Diary of a Slow Burn: Entry 03

The Thing About Progress ☆

☆ Originally posted JAN 05, 2026 via Substack. ☆

The perception of progress..is so biased.

I think the thing that really affects the perspective of making progress, or not making progress, is not gaining real fans (for me as a musician, specifically).

I’m aware of how much I’ve grown, I am definitely aware, even if it’s not always immediately apparent to me or isn’t as fast or as much growth as I wish it were. I know I’ve grown and moved forward so much in the past few years. Despite that, I still feel like I haven’t made as much progress as I wish I could have, and that what progress I have made is perhaps unimportant and not valuable in a bigger sense. And the culprit - the undying, ever-present thought - is that within the past few years, I’m not sure I’ve gained any fans.

And when I say fans, I don’t mean friends or family. And I don’t mean fellow musicians or peers I’ve connected with professionally who will toss me a listen when I put a song out. Or someone who comes across one of my posts on social media and comments something nice (like they like my song) and then maybe stream the song once and move on. I mean someone who has found my music (through whatever way they may have come across or been introduced to me) and continues to listen to my songs, follow along, and engage with me. Someone who considers me in their list of artists they like. Someone who consistently wants to be part of what I’m doing simply because they, completely on their own, want to. Because they feel connected to it in some way. Of course I have the above mentioned friends, family, and peers that listen to my music… but do I have people who don’t even know me that have decided they’re interested in what I’m doing and want to be part of it? Not really. That I’m aware of.

(Side note, there is someone on Tiktok who had commented on a post and followed me a while ago and has since said my song is on their playlist and they listen to it everyday. Eek. So shoutout to that person who is in fan territory, I love you so much oh my gosh. I hope you do in fact consider yourself a Jenna May fan. LOL.)

It just feels so discouraging that I’ve not found people who want to be along for my journey yet, that I’ve not connected with people in a sense enough to have a community around my music. And that’s the thing that really makes comparing myself to other artists so easy. I see other artists who seem like they’re at a similar point in their career and artistry as me, but they actually have people who follow them, engage with their content, and listen repeatedly/consistently to their music. Like, strangers. Strangers who are invested in them! And I’m like, “how did they do that? Where did they find them? How do they keep them around?”

The thing about the journey is that for a lot of years, you’re going to be on the journey alone. I think that’s what really makes it so isolating and discouraging - the feeling that no one cares to listen, no one wants it. And then you start to think, “do I even want it? Do I like what I do? Nobody else seems to, so maybe it’s actually bad anyways.” (Which of course is bullshit). It’s the hardest thing to be your own fan when no one else is yet. And it’s ridiculously easy to feel unsure and doubtful of yourself and your craft, especially when when you care so much about what you want to do; when the art you’re making is so deeply personal and a real part of you. Because then when people don’t like it, or you assume they don’t, it feels personal. SO personal. Like, “you saw into my soul and didn’t like it.” And then, “what’s the point in continuing to try? Because if you don’t like me now, god, I guess that’s it.” Which is so SILLY. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not all about me needing validation to have any inkling that I might be worthy of pursuing music…but it’s really easy to fall down that deep, dark rabbit hole of thought. And it’s not that I need every person in the universe to like me and love my music - obviously they won’t, and that doesn’t need to happen. It’s just that, when it doesn’t seem like anyone in the universe likes me and my music, it’s hard to see through the muck.

And of course, I might feel differently if I was making music purely as a hobby, a fun, little, unserious project. Because then if I wasn’t serious, people might think I’m pretty decent for being a hobbyist. It’s the earnest “I want to do this for a living” that feels so harsh and like I’m holding my breath and standing on tip toes waiting for someone to say, “hey, you’re not good at this and don’t measure up to professional quality.” And you know, that’s really one of my biggest insecurities and fears, that no matter how hard I try, I’m just not up to a professional, high quality level or artistry (and therefore makes what I’m doing embarrassing, like, “doesn’t she know she’s bad???”). But like, fuck that! First of all, even if I am bad and no one has had the guts to tell me - whatever. Second, who cares if I’m being earnest and serious and sincere, even if you don’t like what I’m doing? Conan Gray said on his And The Writer Is...with Ross Golan episode:

“Have the bravery to take it seriously. […] People did everything in their power to make me feel embarrassed that I really cared about this thing. But I let myself take it seriously, I let myself care. It’s so much easier to not care […] But if you let yourself care about it as much as you know you care about it deep down, like, it’s amazing what you can achieve. Like, half the battle is just letting yourself admit that you actually really fucking care about something.”

That hit me in the gut and has been swirling around in my head since I watched the episode. It seems so simple to just…care about what you’re doing. But it isn’t! I think that’s really the crux here - it becomes increasingly harder to be brave enough to take yourself seriously and let yourself care when you don’t see anyone else caring yet, when you’re so afraid no one else ever will care. And maybe that’s how should I be measuring my success: did I let myself care? Did I allow myself to take myself and my music seriously? Have I kept going forward in developing my skills so the quality of what I’m making matches the level I care about it? Despite being afraid? Despite not finding my crowd yet? Despite what anyone else says? Despite what the villains in my head say?

Of course, and as is the point of “Slow Burn,” I’m progressing, and it’s all part of my path. So maybe it doesn’t feel like I’ve made much progress, but I have. I know I have, even with my skewed self-perception. It might not look big in the moment, but every little step forward is preparing me for what is meant for me. And there shouldn’t be any shame or embarrassment for doing what I’m capable of in the moment. I don’t have to do everything perfectly, flawlessly, the highest, most commercial level possible in order for it to be good, to be PROGRESS. Part of the journey is growing and improving and leveling up as you go. So I’ve made progress, and I’ll keep making progress, slowly and steadily and magically.

- Jenna *:·ﾟ✧

Diary of a Slow Burn: Entry 02

Consistency and Procrastination and Feeling Too Overwhelmed To Do Anything At All

☆ Originally published JUL 28, 2025 via Substack. ☆

So, yeah. I think the title says it all. Wouldn’t it be cool if I were to do these consistently? I mean, how will I ever be a famous diarist if I don’t share my entries and writing? (Posthumously, I suppose). Welcome to the second entry of The Diary of a Slow Burn. Let’s talk consistency and procrastination and feeling overwhelmed to the point of not being able to do anything all.

I, in fact, have not even been writing in my physical journal more than a few lines every once and a while. And you know what? That kills me. KILLS ME. I have so many big, important things I’ve wanted to write about. Things I NEED to write about to work through and feel okay. But those monumental happenings have yet to receive their journal entries. Is it because I know it will take up pages of writing and my hand is wary at the prospect? Is it because my brain is tired from working and screens and hasn’t had the capacity to think so hard about things? Am I just taking the easy way out and avoiding the hard work? Because, yes, journaling can be hard work. Especially when you journal obsessively and all right in a row in a frenzy because you have to get to the absolute tiniest grain of understanding all in one journal session and cannot leave a single thought behind or else you feel incomplete.

And don’t get me wrong, I don’t always journal so obsessively trying to analyze every last thought and emotion. But when I have big things on mind (although let’s face it, everything on my mind seems monumental and earth-shattering and of grave importance), obsessively writing is all I can do. Until I get it all out and I feel better. Usually. But I hardly ever feel the at-ease-with-my-nervous-system and clear-mind-without-brain-fog state of being that allows a peaceful, leisurely journal session. Which is what I wish I could have.

I tend to feel like I can’t journal, or don’t have the energy/capacity to journal the way I want to due to the exhaustion and brain fog that consumes so much of my life. Which results in me feeling as if the way I’m thinking is less than the intellectual, competent, perhaps sophisticated, eloquent, and clear way of thinking and writing I like to present with (even to myself). And god, I could go on and on down this rabbit hole trying to find the exact right feeling of words to articulate the exact, most perfect explanation of what I’m taking about. Which is the point here - it would take a lot longer and so much writing of the same thing over and over again but in slightly different words. I don’t have to completely explain my own feelings to a page or to people reading on Substack in order to feel them, though. So, to stop this journaling ramble before it turns fully obsessive, let’s end this section here.

Now, procrastination.

I think a big part of it is just that I have so much I want to do, but everything I do is complex (proof above); I can’t do anything without it being time-consuming, involved, intricate. I have to fully be in the ‘right mindset’ and have the ‘right feeling’ and have lots of time to do a thing so that I can pull everything out of my brain and fully encapsulate what I’m envisioning. The real issue though is that I’m not often in that right mindset and don’t have that right feeling, and I don’t have enough time and even if I do there’s too much in my brain and too little capability to get it out in the way I want it.

I’ve always had this problem, that even when I want to do something, I get so overwhelmed by the thought of actually starting and getting into doing it that I give myself an anxiety attack. And then I do nothing, and stay still, and check nothing off my list, and act practically catatonic. Like I can’t move. And then I feel even more stressed out, more anxious, more upset with myself because I still have to do whatever it is I need to do, and then have EVEN LESS time to do it. And every day I don’t do it, it’s another day I’m a disappointment to myself and not a go-getter and not relaxed or at ease or accomplished or relieved.

I know that most people experience bouts of procrastination - it’s completely normal, especially when putting off something you wish you didn’t have to do. But procrastination of the mentally ill is a whole different level of the thing. Procrastination as an anxiety response? As a nervous system response? As a symptom of OCD? Another. Level. Because you want to do the thing you have to do, but you physically cannot get yourself to do it. And then you feel worse. And you feel you’re drowning. But you’re procrastinating the act of even blowing up the life preserver, too. And it’s endless and tiring and you feel like maybe nothing is worth it at all and you should just give since you can’t get anywhere if you never start.

It’s a tough way to be when your brain has trouble going from one thing to the next and every endeavor is of multiple hours and days worth of effort. Not even to mention the plight of being an artist or creative who makes little to no money yet on what they create. And consistency is near impossible when you’re fighting tooth and nail against your brain and body to do even just one thing, let alone an entire series of a thing. cough cough.

So, are you like me and you procrastinate and feel so overwhelmed that you can’t get anything done and then you do nothing and feel bad and so much worse off about it? My sincere apologies. Let’s make a club. But, we’ll probably procrastinate starting and then continuing that too.

Anyways, entry number two accomplished.

Until the next time, xoxoxoxo (except not because I’m gray-demi and typically repulsed by x’s and o’s),

Jenna

💗📝🌛🌀🐈‍⬛🌟🌞✨

Diary of a Slow Burn: Entry 01

Welcome to the inner world of an intense, strange girl on a journey to exist in the world.

☆ Originally published FEB 28, 2025 via Substack ☆

Welcome to my digital diary. As a singer-songwriter, introspective over-thinker, deep-feeler, chronically-plagued-and-consumed-by-my-own-existence weird girl, slowest of slow burns, I’m going to give you an in to my intense and strange world. 💗

This is the first installment of what I’m calling: The Diary of a Slow Burn. (Video diary edition coming as well on my YouTube).

At the end of January, on the first new moon of 2025, I released a song called “Slow Burn”.

☆ Listen to Slow Burn ☆

“Slow Burn” is about the time it takes to get where you want to go. It’s both acceptance, but also a bit of bitterness, recognizing that yes, it will take a long time, but it will be worth the wait. But it also sucks in the meantime.

It’s about how I feel like things will take so much longer for me than for others. It’s beyond even imposter syndrome, which, yes, I have in droves, but knowing and trying to accept that just by my nature things will take me longer than the average person. Without talking of self-deprecation, lack of confidence, self-consciousness of my skills and ability to execute my ideas in the way I want them - things will take me longer. Because I care deeply and intensely and perhaps all too much about what I’m creating, I think so hard about what I’m thinking and how the achieve the best, most magical creation that I just get caught up in the perception, little details, and all the things in between.

Everything I do takes me so much time because of my care, focus, attention-to-detail, thoroughness, and tendency to aim for as much perfection as can be reached for both a human and also someone who for so many years staunchly rejected the idea of and word “perfect”. But I just work differently. I need more time to process things, have different rates and levels of tolerance, and what I can do in a day perhaps looks like much less than what is typically considered normal and reasonable. Of course, it isn’t less. And so for me, things take longer. Which is okay. And fine. And perfectly acceptable. So, the conclusion to this all is that however much time it will take someone else to do a thing, it’s going to take me double. If the average person takes ten years to reach success, it’s going to take me twenty.

And so, even though it’s totally okay it’s going to take me twenty years, couldn’t I have started my twenty years…twenty years ago? Couldn’t I have started earlier? And then I could still be young, still be in my prime, when I finally reach that success. Because, of course, even though I am very young and while there is nothing wrong with reaching your success by any age, society and culture and entertainment make it seem like if you aren’t thriving as an artist in your 20’s, you’re not thriving. Like it’s embarrassing to be in your twenties and still be working on your skills and developing professionally, and release music that isn’t the be-all-end-all polished, high quality music that you could be creating and putting out the in the world later in your career.

And it’s hard to see other girls my age breaking into their success, when perhaps they started ten years ago and now they’ve reached the ten year point. But this song isn’t really about that jealousy of seeing other girls my age doing things and being developed in their skills and confidently and steadily ready to move into what opens ahead. It’s about telling myself, over and over again, “it’s okay, I have to take my own time and journey and by the time I get there it will have been worth it and I will have colored in my skies and built the world”. But fuck, I wish I was already further along. Because I know where I’m trying to go and am going, but it sucks the whole way there. I accept it, and I can try to be enthusiastic and encouraged and motivated and optimistic about it. But that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it, and it doesn’t mean it doesn’t burn the candle, and it doesn’t mean I don’t wish the candle would hurry up and get to the bottom.

Sometimes it’s just difficult to see my own progress, even if I am making progress. There are no rules that I have to already be a polished, finalized result. As long as I’m making strides, working to improve, and reminding to ENJOY what I’m creating, that’s what matters. It feels like a race, but it’s not. And I have so many ideas my magic is only just starting on. The future is bright, to recite a cliche. The candle is burning its slow, majestic, entrancing, tragically beautiful and fulfilling burn. And it’ll keep burning, forever and evermore (had to throw in a Taylor reference, did I not?).

Anyways, I have so many more thoughts and rabbit holes I can venture down. In every nook and cranny. So get ready, digital diary of a painstakingly slow burn. <3

☆ Watch the Visualizer ☆

- Jenna ⋆⁺₊✧⋆˚꩜˚.ੈ✩‧₊˚